Just some Questions I Have May 8, 2012

Yesterday it was HOT in Texas. By hot, I don’t mean 114 like last summer, but low 90′s, which for the beginning of May, is hot. And for this pregnant chick, it’s really hot! So my husband and I were driving by the local university which might as well be populated with beauty queens and models and I bet you have to submit a head shot with your application and no one seems to be sweating or hot. In fact, all those little girls look beautiful and their hair is down,and they are wearing skinny jeans. So I wonder out loud, “HOW do they look so pretty all the time???”, which made me think of some other questions I have about life that no one can seem to answer for me. Here are some….

Beauty-related quandaries

1. How do people look cute and not sweaty in the summer? How do they do it? When the temperature goes above 95, I just don’t know. Sub-question: HOW do they wear their hair down? How???

2. How do people wear high heels into their 50′s without getting bunions? I got one at 28. Do people just suffer through? How do they do it, Stacy London?

3. How do people get their hair to hold all day? Glue? I use hairspray. It doesn’t seem sufficient.

4. How in the world do people keep their eye make-up on all day? Are the actually secretly reapplying in the bathroom?

5. Where are people buying their cute maternity clothes? I mean, it’s not at Motherhood, because I’m there about every week. (For instance, my cute little neighbor across the street is wearing a darling dress and it is not sold at Target, Motherhood, or Gap). Where did she get it? Dang. And she’s wearing heels. Subquestion: How does she do that?? Heels?

6. Why does it take us (women) so long to pee in public places? What are we doing in there? Why is there always a line? I’m so confused.

7. (And one question my husband always asks, so I’ll put it here) Why do men wear skinny jeans? He doesn’t understand it and it troubles him on a regular basis.

Living related quandaries

1. The suburbs? Why? WHY? Sub-question: Is commuting really worth it?

2. Wood paneled rooms?

3. A living room that no one goes in but you still have to clean plus a den that everyone goes in and you have to clean, why is this?

General/Misc. quandaries

1. Justin Bieber, Madonna, Brittney Spears. Someone please explain. (Well Biebs-I guess he’s got some talent, but the other 2, I’m not sure why they are famous). Sub-question: why is anyone famous anymore?

2.  Why did I ever EVER think getting a Beagle was a good idea? (Ok, he’s cute, sweet, snuggly, etc…just right now he’s annoying me by barking at life, but I know why I got him).

3.  Why do Mac owners put Mac stickers on their cars? Should I get a Sony sticker? Or it that pathetic? (Jk, I’m not doing that).

4.  Aren’t hipsters just basically emo kids revamped? Why did they need a new name? Is it because no one listens to Dashboard Confessional anymore?

5.  Why would a boy chose Wal-mart over Target any day? I need a better reason than “because it’s awesome.”

I have so many more questions than this….but these are the ones I wonder about the most maybe. The ones that don’t seem to have answers. But really the biggest one is HOW DO PEOPLE LOOK CUTE IN THE SUMMER?? An answer to this would be really helpful because summer in Texas is 6 months or something, so…if anyone could help me out, that would be awesome.

My Kid Sleeps Like a Champ January 3, 2011

A few days ago I was having coffee with some mom friends of mine and we were discussing sleeping. Both friends (and while we’re at it, practically every young mom I know) have read Babywise and follow it loosely.  They were talking about nursing your baby to sleep-which I have done from day one.  To my understanding, Babywise operates under the wake/feed/play/sleep mantra.  I mention casually “oh, I always nurse to sleep.” To which, my one friend replies, “don’t listen to her, her baby sleeps 14 hours in a row, she doesn’t count.” I shrug, she’s right. My baby does sleep 14 hours in a row at night.

I have been extremely lucky when it comes to sleep (but don’t talk to me about the nightmare that nursing has been for me-Ha!). From the very beginning, the ONLY problem we’ve encountered is the now infamous “no-nap” day. By this I mean, several days of crying and gnashing of gums during the afternoon and the eventual culmination of the glorious nap-DAY. She did this for almost the whole month of September and part of October, but now we’re back on track. But here’s what I’m trying to figure out: are we lucky, or did I read an awesome book on sleep and apply it (as much as I could and loosely at times) to my daughter.

Being the natural rebel that I am (and particularly when it comes to popular literature) I came into motherhood disliking the idea of Babywise.*** I’d not read it, but the rigidity of the system turned me off.  I knew, however, that I needed to read something about sleep. So, a friend suggested that I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. I immediately got a copy and got to reading, as this friend’s 1&2 year olds were the best kid sleepers I’d ever met.  These kids slept like CHAMPS. They went down at 6:30 or 7:00 and slept until 7:00 the next day at about 6 months. AMAZING.

Weissbluth is an MD who has been studying the sleep patterns of children for decades, so I trusted his credentials from the beginning. I’m a little tired of reading kid books by regular old parents who think they’ve cornered the market on child rearing (anybody with me??) The book is divided up into several sections, beginning with basic sleep physiology and moving to sleep at different ages.

The main tenants I’ve taken away are simply this:

1. Babies need to sleep a lot! In the first few months, our little ones need to go down 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours after they wake, at the very minimum. That means that they’re sleeping practically ALL of the time. Because of this, Weissbluth discourages the idea of “sleep training” until at least 4 months.  This is when their little schedules begin to regulate and organized naps appear.

2.  Babies will let you know when it’s time to sleep. The moment Charlie exhibits any form of sleepiness: rubbing her eyes, yawning, grumpiness, etc,  we let her try to go to sleep, even if it’s not nap time.  Because of this, we rarely (though occasionally) have a screaming bed time baby on our hands.  Figuring out sleep cues took a while and sometimes there’s a small nap window before she hits the over-tired mode (which is nightmarish), but after about 6 months, this too, seemed to fall into place. 

3. Sleep begets sleep.  This truth is truly the most bizarre and wonderful thing about the Weissbluth method. I have found it to be amazingly true that the more and better Charlie sleeps during the day, the more she will sleep at night. Also, since we are still in the morning nap phase, if she gets a morning nap (and sometimes our schedule doesn’t allow for one) her afternoon nap will be longer and better.

Most of our days look like this: Wake: 7:30-8:30, Nap 1: 10:15-11:00 (or sometimes later), Nap 2: 1:15-3:30 (give or take 3o min.), Bedtime: 6:30-7:00. 

There are those occasional times that she wakes earlier than 7 or goes to bed earlier than 6:30. For instance, last night because she was such a grouchy pants, we put her down at 6:00 and she went right to bed and slept until 7:30 this morning.

I hear a lot of friends talking about putting their kids to bed at 9 or after, and Weissbluth addresses this matter by suggesting parents up the bedtime by 30 mintues to an hour. It’s often thought that if you keep your kid up later, they will sleep later. At least in our experience, this hasn’t worked AT ALL! So, we put Charlie down early, she enjoys 12 hours of sleep, and we get grown-up time. We all win.

4. Bedtime routine doesn’t really matter, just keep it consistent. Here are some varying bedtime ideas: rock your baby to sleep, lay your baby down awake but sleepy and let them self-sooth (and sometimes cry it out), or nurse your baby to bed. And guess what, any of these methods are ok, as long as you keep it consistent. We are of the milk before bed and self sooth persuasion, but to each their own, whatever is best for you and your baby. Charlie is NOT a cuddler and she’d rather snuggle with her teddy than with me, so we go with it, and it works great.

Like I said, I’m so grateful and fortunate that kiddo sleeps so well, and I’m sure at least some of it is luck, but I’m also pretty sure that a lot of it is thanks to Dr. Weissbluth and his years of researching kiddos for parents like you and me.  Also, as a disclaimer, I’m certainly NO expert on sleeping and I may be absolutely throwing my hands in the air with my next kid, but so far, I just want to pass along some little tid bits that have helped me along the way.

***I did try to read Babywise last summer because I wanted to write something about it but was so offended by the arrogance of the preface and this quote that I didn’t make it past the first chapter:

” Spend time with relatives and friends who follow the La Leche League attachment-parenting style of infant care, or those who practice hypersheduling and certainly observe Babywise parents. [and this is my favorite part] In which homes do you observe order, peace, and tranquility? Observe the marriage as well as the children. Is mom in a perpetual state of exhaustion? Is dad sleeping on the couch [what??] What is the family like when a child is six, twelve, eighteen months? Is mom stressed, exhausted, frustrated, or insecure?” (etc, etc).

In the words of one of my favorite fictional characters, Gob Bluth, “Come on!”

Little Baby in a Big City November 22, 2010

So, Matt had a job interview in the Big Apple this week. For some reason we’re doing the adventurous thing a little late-late enough to be logical about life, late enough for the risk assessment part of our brains to be fully and COMPLETELY developed, and late enough to be keenly aware of germs. I thought it was supposed to be about uh, a decade ago, but no, we’re doing it now….now that we’re old and past the point of wanting to live in NYC.

I was totally freaked out about touring the City alone so luckily my college friend Eric, served as a very gracious tour guide. I’d already done the tourist thing when 9 years ago 20 crazy adults and I took 100+ teenagers in matching tee shirts to NYC (oh my), so this time I just wanted to walk around and….eat.  Eat we did, at a great little Greek place in Astoria, Queens called Opa! Two great Gyros coming in at less than $12=Amazing. 

Then we headed to Manhattan (on the subway, of course) which was WAY easier than the map made it look and he showed me a pretty cute and laid back part of the city. It was getting dark, so we headed to Midtown, where I thought Matt could easily catch a train and I could park at a bakery or Starbucks and hang out with my now really tired, cranky, and hungry baby.  Eric spotted a great little bakery for me and we said our good-byes at the door. From here my adventure began.

I walked into the bakery, excited to sit down with a coffee and a cupcake, only to find there were no chairs. I don’t mean there were no available chairs, I mean there were no chairs, period. There was no bathroom either. Now, I drink a lot of fluids and it had already been about 3 hours since I’d gone to the bathroom, 4 hours since the baby had eaten, and 5 since I’d changed her. I needed a bathroom and I needed one NOW. Also, I called Matt to see if he was on his way and he was still waiting on his last interview to begin…sheesh, I had to get out of there.

Rockefeller Center with a very sleepy baby

So, I stepped out and nonchalantly got out my Iphone (what would I do without it?), pulled up the handy dandy “around me” ap, located the nearest Starbucks, and started walking. It was packed, and while yes they had chairs, they did NOT have a bathroom. What gives? Do people Midtown Manhattan have built in catheters or something? The guy at the counter says “There’s a Charmin Center about a block down on your right.” Now I’ve run about 5 Race for the Cure 5k’s and Charmin always sets up a big line of nice pink porta-potties, so despite the fact that I think it’s pretty weird that Charmin would permanently park itself in Midtown, I headed that way, looking for some pink potties. They are nowhere in sight, but another Starbucks is. Whew. But, um….no bathrooms again. The guy inside pointed across the street to a visitor center (in retrospect, I must have heard Charmin for visitor), where I find a….bathroom. Thank the Lord. Unfortunately for me and my baby in her stroller, we literally cannot fit in said bathroom. I briefly thought of holding the stroller in my lap while I peed, but then decided against it. We headed out to find the guy at an information booth who had a key to the handicapped/mommy bathroom. Once inside, I took some deep breaths and relaxed, because in my quest for a bathroom, somehow the baby and I had ended up SMACK DAB in the middle of Times Square at rush hour with thousands of other tourists and such.  You know those stereotypical Time Square scenes in movies? Yep-there we were. I took my time washing my hands really well, changed the baby (quite skillfully) in her stroller, and walked (briskly!) back to the original Starbucks to nurse her and wait for Matt. One of the baristas asked me if I used to come in because I look familiar and then asks me if I’m on tv. This cheered me up and eventually Matt got out, rode the train, navigated Time Square on his own and we were reunited. We ate some pizza, walked around Rockefeller Plaza, took some pictures, went Empire State Building, and headed back to our hotel. It was a busy, crazy, fun day.

We have no idea what will happen with his job, or if we will even have to decide whether or not to live in the City for 2 years, but I know this-if I can navigate Time Square alone with my little baby all alone and rush hour, I think I can handle pretty much anything.

This Old House November 11, 2010

I’ve always had a crush on old houses and old neighborhoods, so when Matt and I bought our first house 2 and a half years ago, we settled on a little bungalow in a historic section of our city. It’s all quite charming. The neighborhood is pedestrian friendly and in the afternoons everyone is out walking their dogs or pushing strollers. The first Thursday of every month, the main strip shuts down and people peruse little shops and sip complimentary wine. When we were in the process of buying the house, I daydreamed about rolling out of bed (Meg Ryan style in You’ve Got Mail), padding around my cute little house in my slippers and pjs, sipping coffee, and plugging away at my (hopeful) writing career. But alas, daydreams almost always give way to reality, and it is rare that I’ve actually done that-and when I do I usually feel guilty because I’m neglecting something else. First came the dogs, then came the baby, and by the time I sit down to write it’s usually nap time or more often bedtime.  Anyway, I love my little white and gray old house-but there are some quirks, some may say it has character, that I suspect if you live in a century old house and apartment you may identify with.

1. This old house is not cozy.  Even though the movies  would make you think that old houses are cozy, just ask anyone from my family to use one word to describe last Christmas at our house. The word will not be cozy, it will probably be FREEZING. The only person who was cozy was me, but I had a little person insulating me from the inside out. Now that it’s fall again, I think my house is colder than the outside. I can set the thermostat at 70 to make myself feel better, but it makes it to about 62 on an average winter day.

2. This old house has some crazy pipes. Every fall/winter I have to retrain myself to turn the bathroom sink faucet on BEFORE I go to the bathroom-otherwise I will be washing my hands in ice water.  Also, when it dips below freezing we unplug our washer/dryer and drip drip drip it outside of an open window to deter freezing pipes. We’ve become pretty good friends with Russel and LeMay Plumbing over the last 2 years.

3. This old house shakes like crazy. Pier and beam houses are pretty bizarre if you ask me. I’m not sure how they keep us all up in the house but when I pop in a workout video the whole house shakes.

4. The old house’s doors. Every year this house swells and shrinks during the season changes. I’m not really sure about the science behind this. But we will never take for granted easily opening/closing doors again. The first year we lived here, we couldn’t shut any doors in our house. So every time we left the house, we made a barrier in front of the bedrooms so the Beagle and the big dog couldn’t get through.  But after a pretty crazy night of storms and a very distressed big dog kept ending up in our bed, Matt shaved down all the doors and VOILA! they close now. It’s so great (to this day) to open and close our doors. Along those same lines-in the summer the front door swells so much that once I literally had to wake Matt up so he could let me out. Come fall-it magically opens easily again.

5. This old floor.  Our toilet has ALWAYS been wobbly but when we finally had some extra cash to fix it, I literally heard the plumber GASP from the other room when he removed the toilet. When he called me in, I was as shocked as he was to see that the floor was sinking! For about a month before we fixed it, I had nightmares of falling through the floor while on the toilet. These nightmares were very similar to my everyday fear in college that our claw foot tub and I would plummet through the ceiling into the kitchen in our 110 year old house. It’s all fixed now, thanks to Carpenter Larry and his gang. But I still sit down and stand up from the toilet very gingerly. It’s a habit I’ve not broken yet.

6. These old door knobs. At any given time, one of our antique glass door knobs has decided to stop working.  We’ve finally replaced them all, but for about a year partly due to Matt’s crazy schedule and my cheapness, we’d have half a door knob lying around that we would use to open whatever door needed opening. It was especially fun for our guests.

7.  These old walls. Every September a furry friend makes a brief home somewhere in our walls. He stays about a week…long enough to freak me out when I’m having my early morning coffee.  But then he leaves (or hibernates!).  At least I don’t have bats…yet!

8. These old closets. Closets? What are those? Did you mean under the bed tupperware storage bins?

I’ve always felt like having old stuff builds character. My first car was an old , and I wouldn’t be the person I am without good Ozzie the Oldsmobile (may he rest in peace) stretching me. Nor would I have any good old car stories. And so it is with this old house, which I love (like only a mama could), quirks and all! 

What are some quirks your old house has?

A Near Miss August 25, 2010

Two nights ago, Matt and I almost died. I’m not exaggerating like I am known to do sometimes, I’m for real. We were celebrating our anniversary early and on the road between dinner and the movies. I had just hung up the phone with our babysitter, “Aw, she said the baby was…” and all of a sudden a car plowed into our lane aimlessly, not cutting us off so much as coming right into the side of us. In a split second Matt was swerving out of the way into the third lane which was luckily empty. For the next eternity, Matt worked to regain control of our car. The wheel seemed possessed by something else and the side tires tipped us precariously. In those 10 seconds I thought, “we’re going to die, we’re going to flip, Matt’s going to die.” And then it was over as fast as it had started. Matt won the battle and we were just another couple on the interstate on our way to the movies-a very shaken up couple, that is. As we passed the guy that forced us into such a frenzy, he was looking at us like what’s their problem? He had no clue, or if he did-he didn’t care. This incident got me thinking…

1.  Rear view mirrors-Use them and also always look. I’d venture to guess that  so many collisions are because people are just to lazy too throw a glance over their shoulders. Mirrors are great, but they don’t catch everything.  Blind spots are surprisingly big and a glance over your shoulder could save a life. I’m not being dramatic-it’s true.

2. Cell phones-The guy that almost hit us was NOT on his cell phone, but had Matt been on his, I’m certain I would not be typing this blog. I used to be that girl who used jaunts in the car (long or short) to catch up on missed calls. But when a young mom in a nearby town died this winter leaving 3 kids and a husband behind, I began to wake up to the dangers of this practice (it wasn’t determined that she was on her phone-but she could’ve been).  Not because of Oprah (lest she become any more puffed up) but because of our baby girl, we have stopped using our cell phones if we’re behind the wheel.

3. Fighting in the car-We’ve all done it. We’ve all had a fight with a spouse, sibling, parent, or friend in the car. Matt and I were not having a fight, on the contrary we were having a great night, BUT we have had fights in the car. I’ve thought about this before-what if we were having a fight and then had an accident? I don’t want my last conversation with him, to be one that is strained. Our near miss came out of the blue the other day and in seconds our lives could have been forever altered.

4. Speaking of last words-Um, I ashamed to admit that my last words may have been one expletive said three times consecutively. I never say this word in daily life, ever. But for some reason it’s the universal death or near death word. I said it when I was rear ended and then rear ended someone else while driving a 15 passenger van of teenagers from my youth group.  My sister screamed it then followed it promptly with “He’s with the Lord!” when I told her my grandpa had died. The guy that accidentally threw me out of a golf cart and onto my head at youth camp screamed it repeatedly over my head before he knew I was ok. I wish I’d said something profound or cried out to God or something but nope just said a cuss word-way to make my Mama proud!

4. Speaking of my mom-Remember when your mom was so scared when you started driving and said “you’re taking your life into your hands every time you get behind the wheel?” I do. But do I take this seriously all the time? No. Driving is life and death stuff and I think it takes a close call to remember this. I will be hyper aware of my surroundings for life now (well at least until I forget how scary Monday night almost was-which I hope is for life). I used to make the kids in my youth group say a safety prayer every time we got in the 15 passenger. And it’s not a bad idea. Every car ride we put our lives at risk and we should handle driving like it’s something sacred.

5. Just one little word on teenagersThe guy that almost hit us was not a teenager, but I’ve thought for years that teenagers have zero business operating cars. My folks made each of us spend 500 supervised miles behind the wheel before we could drive alone. This took forever and made me really mad-but they were ingenious. I was an awful driver-and really stayed that way until I was about 25 (to those of you who knew me way back when-I know I scared you, Laurie, Brian A., Jeff Finn, Jay-I’ve gotten better really, I think my SUV made me better-haha). And when kids in my youth group got new cars-do you think I rode with them on their first spin? Do you think I took them up on the whole I can pick YOU up, thing? No way, I’m not stupid. Yeah WBC youth, I’m talking about you-you were awful drivers! So, here’s what I propose-let’s give kids their permits at 15 and reward them with licences at 19. It’s a great idea.

To wrap it up. There was a wreck in my city during the early part of rush hour this morning. Apparently a white van (who left the scene) forced a Honda civic into the median splitting it in half. Two other cars veered off the road to avoid it-one was completely burned and the other was scorched. We know of one fatality. It was sobering to say the least. This afternoon, I am grateful to still be here. I am grateful that I am not a widow, that we are both not recovering from horrible injuries and that our little girl at least for now, still has 2 parents. And I grieve the one who lost their life this morning-that fate could have easily been mine.

I’m just a mutt May 22, 2010

This week I joined a workout group for mommies somewhat reticently, because I hate the idea of “mommies” gathering together. If if was a group for Mamas, I just really would feel a lot less dorky, but I’ve not found said group. So, I will hang out with “mommies” for now. Anyway, this is beside the point.

The point is this-in every group there seems to be someone from Tennessee, someone from Texas, and someone from Iowa. So? Who cares? Well, I do-because my life is pretty equally divided between these three states and this fact leaves me very often looking like a liar.

This is what happened today….

I’m walking behind these women to a workout location (we walk around this park with our strollers and then stop for strength training-don’t judge), because I don’t really know anyone yet and I think I hear this lady say she’s from Texas. TEXAS??? Even though this is the biggest state ever, I pipe up? “where are you from?”

“Houston,” she says.

“I’m from Fort Worth!” I exclaim, as if the two cities have something more in common than just being in the same state.

“Oh,” she says. I can tell she’s not interested. But then the girl next to me says, “I’m from Dallas!” Now here’s something I can work with. We talk about Dallas and how nice it is and what part she’s from. It turns out our husbands have similar jobs in Arkansas and that’s why we’re both here. But her husband went to school in Louisiana. So it seems our common ground is over. Then I ask her if she went to college in Dallas. ”No, I went to Rhodes, in Memphis.”

“Oh, I’m from Memphis!” I exclaim. And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I ended up looking like a liar today….once again.

Several years ago, when I still had Iowa tags, though I lived in Texas, I treated myself to a post finals massage at the School of Massage (it was only $25). Massage therapists aren’t supposed to chit chat with you, because it impedes relaxation, but this gal had apparently taken the class on massage silence yet. So, she massaging me and says “Where are you from?” Pick a state, any state, this girl will never see me again…

“Tennessee.” I say. The subject moves on, here and there. Yada yada.

Then she says, “Are you going home this summer?” She still thinks Tennessee is home for me. I tell her no but ask if she is going home.

“Yeah, I’m from Iowa.” she says.

“Iowa?!? I’m from Iowa!” I exclaim. And, whoops-liar.

Each time this happens I have to go into my schpeel about how I lived in Memphis then Fort Worth then Memphis again, then Fort Worth again, then Iowa, then back to Fort Worth and now Arkansas. Gosh, it makes me so longwinded and ridiculous. But I guess long-winded and ridiculuos is better than looking like a liar.

Oh yeah, as I left my class today, my instructor was saying that she’s from Iowa.

“Iowa!? I’m from Iowa, too!!”

Oh well, what are you gonna do?

Some simple rules of singleness… February 4, 2010

I wrote this post months ago on another blog. A friend requested it, so I’m reposting it here…

I feel like I know a fair amount about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on really anything….except maybe the topic of singleness. Not because I’m a singleness scholar, I’m not. Is there such a thing, anyway? But because I WAS single for 10 years after leaving  home, I feel like I learned a lot about the topic-most of which I learned in retrospect, unfortunately, but some of which I learned while I was going through it.

In the last months and even days, I’ve had various RANDOM conversations with many people regarding the subject of singleness. This post is based on all of these discussions as well as the presuppositions I’ve come to form over the years. This list is by no means extensive and probably I will eventually flesh this list out into a bigger manuscript, but this is what I have for now:

What I’ve learned about guys….

1. Guys will do whatever they can to be with you IF they like you.

2. Sometimes, a guy will call you late at night or want to hang out with you out of the blue-this doesn’t mean he likes that you, it simply means he’s bored or lonely.

3. Sometimes a guy you used to date will call you late at night or want to hang out with you out of the blue-this doesn’t mean that he wants to get back with you. It means a. he is bored and lonely. b. he actually is a nice guy and wants to check on you (which really means he pities you-shudder!), or c. he wants some emotional support.

4. If a guy who broke up with you wants to get back with you, it RARELY means he really wants to get back together with you. It probably mean a. he’s bored and lonely, b. you’ve started dating someone else, or c. you’re over him.

5. Most guys truly believe they can score a girl who the rest of the world KNOWS is totally out of their league.  For this reason, some of them will remain single much longer than necessary. In more serious cases, they will be single forever. It’s sad.

6. Guys would rather be single until they find the right girl. They really would. They’d rather play video games and watch guy movies and eat pizza than endure a night with a stupid girl. It’s true. Unless the stupid girl is hot (this isn’t fair to unattractive/smart girls, I know but uh….life’s not fair).

7. Guys are not “scared of relationships,” they just don’t want to be in them.

8. Some guys will cry in front of you even if they are not dating you (or even if you aren’t walking down the ailse to them or watching Rudy or Old Yeller). I’ve really yet to figure this one out but it does not mean that they want to date you or marry you. As far as I can tell, it just means they are crying.

What I’ve learned about girls (myself included)….

1. We are CRAZY.

2. We can magicly twist ANYTHING into, “that guy must really like me.” I.e. “John Soinso totally ignored me tonight at the party, I guess he was so nervous around me that he couldn’t talk to me.”

3. Most of us have ridiculously low standards. By this I mean you can talk to almost any girl in the world that you meet and unless she’s uncommonly wise, she will tell you a story of a former relationship in which a guy treated her like trash or at the very least…poorly and she still stuck around.
4. We picture ourselves married to almost anyone we date. Yes, there are a few very independant gals who do not do this. But, by in large, when asked on a date, a girls mind will flash forward to the wedding ceremony.

5. Some girls (never me on this one) will go on pity dates when they feel too embarrassed to turn a guy down. Nope not me, I even said yes to a date once but then a week later took it back. Cruel? Nope. Just honest. But most girls WILL go on pity dates. They will.

6. Most of us WANT to be married and WANT to have kids. Some don’t. But most of us do. Girls may lie and act like they don’t care about those things so as not to scare a guy, but they do want those things.

7. Most of us have ridiculously high standards regarding the kind of guy we can get. By this I don’t mean, his personality, I mean his looks. Let’s be honest, I was a dorky Jr.High kid. Oh yes. My parents will tell you otherwise, but I was. Yet, this didn’t keep me from being in love with the hottest guy in the school…

8. If a guy breaks up with us and calls us again late at night or wants to hang out randomly, we will immediately tell our friends we think we may be “getting back together”. Some girls will take this a step further, changing their Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

9. When we are dumped we will cope in one of two ways (both of which I truly believe are involuntary)….a. We will eat icecream or b. we will eat nothing at all for a week, thereby loosing 10 lbs. quite rapidly. (to this day, I’ve found no diet or exercise plan so successful as my last major break-up).

SO….this list is not extensive by any means, but this is what both sexes can deduce from my findings.

GUYS
1. Just know that almost any girl you end up will be a little crazy. We are good at doling out our crazy a little bit at a time and if we are smart we will keep a lot of it under wraps until after marriage or at least until we get on birth control. But we do cry at commercials and think that when we make the bed and put your clothes away we are “serving you.” Be patient with us, because even in just dating us, we will show you a little bit of our nutso. Don’t run away and find another girl if you like us the rest of the time, because we are all like this…we are.

2. If you don’t like us, please don’t pay attention to us. We really can twist almost anything you do to make ourselves think you do. Our girlfriends can serve as your biggest assets if you think we like you and you don’t feel the same way. Try dropping a hint like, “man I just don’t really like anyone right now.” It will get back to us, for sure. Otherwise, our girlfriends will join in on the game and think of reasons you must be in love with us, too.

3. Open doors, buy flowers, pay for our DATES, and just talk to your mama about how to treat a girl.

4. Don’t call us or ever contact us again if you dumped us. I don’t care if you’re bored or nice or miss us-don’t call us EVER AGAIN.

5. If a girl tells you she’s ok with being “best friends” or “casually dating,” SHE IS LYING. She is picturing herself married to you and when her FB relationship status changes to “it’s complicated,” homegirl’s talking about you. Yes she is.

GIRLS
1. If the guy you like never talks to you or calls you or asks for your number, he doesn’t like you. Try to stop liking him and thinking about him and talking to him. If he pursues you, it will be a nice surprise.

2. If a guy looks like he should be an Abercrombie model, just stay away from him. If he ends up liking you, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised (unless he turns out to be stupid), but by in large, stay away.

3. If a guy dumps you, stay away from him. At all costs, move on with your life and maybe your recent weight loss. Get a hobby. Take up running. Do not, under any circumstances, take a guy back. Most guys will come back, some because they want to be “friends,” some because they know you’ve moved on. In any case, renewed relationships will almost always end for the same reason they ended the first time.

4. Have some respect for yourself. Wait for a guy who pays for you, opens your door, tells you that you are pretty, etc. These guys do exist, because after 10 years of looking, I found one. Do not settle for anything less, because marriage is for the rest of your life. The alternative: divorce is the worse than death (I hear).

5. Guys crying in front of you means SQUAT. So many guys have cried in front of me and I’m not married to ANY OF THEM. It just means (I don’t really have this one figured out but I’m guessing) that you are somehow in the sister/mom category and they just feel comfortable with you.

BOTH
1. Learn to look at yourself realistically. Sociology studies have shown time and again that singles tend to gravitate to people who are on the same level when it comes to attractiveness. There are exceptions of course, but in most of these exceptions the girl is the one who is more forgiving. In these cases, the guy who isn’t too attractive has some other wonderful trait (humor, smarts, money). Don’t demean yourself, that’s lame. Just be realistic about yourself.

2. If the guy or girl you like or are dating has some crazy annoying attributes, these are called deal breakers. These things that drive you nuts now, will make you crazy after marriage. RUN.

3. Don’t date unless you are really into someone. It’s a waste of time, energy, money, calories (girls, you know guys like to eat out way more than us, so you know what I mean, don’t waste your calories on the wrong guy).

That’s it for now…I’m sure there will be more later…