Some simple rules of singleness…

I wrote this post months ago on another blog. A friend requested it, so I’m reposting it here…

I feel like I know a fair amount about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on really anything….except maybe the topic of singleness. Not because I’m a singleness scholar, I’m not. Is there such a thing, anyway? But because I WAS single for 10 years after leaving  home, I feel like I learned a lot about the topic-most of which I learned in retrospect, unfortunately, but some of which I learned while I was going through it.

In the last months and even days, I’ve had various RANDOM conversations with many people regarding the subject of singleness. This post is based on all of these discussions as well as the presuppositions I’ve come to form over the years. This list is by no means extensive and probably I will eventually flesh this list out into a bigger manuscript, but this is what I have for now:

What I’ve learned about guys….

1. Guys will do whatever they can to be with you IF they like you.

2. Sometimes, a guy will call you late at night or want to hang out with you out of the blue-this doesn’t mean he likes that you, it simply means he’s bored or lonely.

3. Sometimes a guy you used to date will call you late at night or want to hang out with you out of the blue-this doesn’t mean that he wants to get back with you. It means a. he is bored and lonely. b. he actually is a nice guy and wants to check on you (which really means he pities you-shudder!), or c. he wants some emotional support.

4. If a guy who broke up with you wants to get back with you, it RARELY means he really wants to get back together with you. It probably mean a. he’s bored and lonely, b. you’ve started dating someone else, or c. you’re over him.

5. Most guys truly believe they can score a girl who the rest of the world KNOWS is totally out of their league.  For this reason, some of them will remain single much longer than necessary. In more serious cases, they will be single forever. It’s sad.

6. Guys would rather be single until they find the right girl. They really would. They’d rather play video games and watch guy movies and eat pizza than endure a night with a stupid girl. It’s true. Unless the stupid girl is hot (this isn’t fair to unattractive/smart girls, I know but uh….life’s not fair).

7. Guys are not “scared of relationships,” they just don’t want to be in them.

8. Some guys will cry in front of you even if they are not dating you (or even if you aren’t walking down the ailse to them or watching Rudy or Old Yeller). I’ve really yet to figure this one out but it does not mean that they want to date you or marry you. As far as I can tell, it just means they are crying.

What I’ve learned about girls (myself included)….

1. We are CRAZY.

2. We can magicly twist ANYTHING into, “that guy must really like me.” I.e. “John Soinso totally ignored me tonight at the party, I guess he was so nervous around me that he couldn’t talk to me.”

3. Most of us have ridiculously low standards. By this I mean you can talk to almost any girl in the world that you meet and unless she’s uncommonly wise, she will tell you a story of a former relationship in which a guy treated her like trash or at the very least…poorly and she still stuck around.
4. We picture ourselves married to almost anyone we date. Yes, there are a few very independant gals who do not do this. But, by in large, when asked on a date, a girls mind will flash forward to the wedding ceremony.

5. Some girls (never me on this one) will go on pity dates when they feel too embarrassed to turn a guy down. Nope not me, I even said yes to a date once but then a week later took it back. Cruel? Nope. Just honest. But most girls WILL go on pity dates. They will.

6. Most of us WANT to be married and WANT to have kids. Some don’t. But most of us do. Girls may lie and act like they don’t care about those things so as not to scare a guy, but they do want those things.

7. Most of us have ridiculously high standards regarding the kind of guy we can get. By this I don’t mean, his personality, I mean his looks. Let’s be honest, I was a dorky Jr.High kid. Oh yes. My parents will tell you otherwise, but I was. Yet, this didn’t keep me from being in love with the hottest guy in the school…

8. If a guy breaks up with us and calls us again late at night or wants to hang out randomly, we will immediately tell our friends we think we may be “getting back together”. Some girls will take this a step further, changing their Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

9. When we are dumped we will cope in one of two ways (both of which I truly believe are involuntary)….a. We will eat icecream or b. we will eat nothing at all for a week, thereby loosing 10 lbs. quite rapidly. (to this day, I’ve found no diet or exercise plan so successful as my last major break-up).

SO….this list is not extensive by any means, but this is what both sexes can deduce from my findings.

GUYS
1. Just know that almost any girl you end up will be a little crazy. We are good at doling out our crazy a little bit at a time and if we are smart we will keep a lot of it under wraps until after marriage or at least until we get on birth control. But we do cry at commercials and think that when we make the bed and put your clothes away we are “serving you.” Be patient with us, because even in just dating us, we will show you a little bit of our nutso. Don’t run away and find another girl if you like us the rest of the time, because we are all like this…we are.

2. If you don’t like us, please don’t pay attention to us. We really can twist almost anything you do to make ourselves think you do. Our girlfriends can serve as your biggest assets if you think we like you and you don’t feel the same way. Try dropping a hint like, “man I just don’t really like anyone right now.” It will get back to us, for sure. Otherwise, our girlfriends will join in on the game and think of reasons you must be in love with us, too.

3. Open doors, buy flowers, pay for our DATES, and just talk to your mama about how to treat a girl.

4. Don’t call us or ever contact us again if you dumped us. I don’t care if you’re bored or nice or miss us-don’t call us EVER AGAIN.

5. If a girl tells you she’s ok with being “best friends” or “casually dating,” SHE IS LYING. She is picturing herself married to you and when her FB relationship status changes to “it’s complicated,” homegirl’s talking about you. Yes she is.

GIRLS
1. If the guy you like never talks to you or calls you or asks for your number, he doesn’t like you. Try to stop liking him and thinking about him and talking to him. If he pursues you, it will be a nice surprise.

2. If a guy looks like he should be an Abercrombie model, just stay away from him. If he ends up liking you, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised (unless he turns out to be stupid), but by in large, stay away.

3. If a guy dumps you, stay away from him. At all costs, move on with your life and maybe your recent weight loss. Get a hobby. Take up running. Do not, under any circumstances, take a guy back. Most guys will come back, some because they want to be “friends,” some because they know you’ve moved on. In any case, renewed relationships will almost always end for the same reason they ended the first time.

4. Have some respect for yourself. Wait for a guy who pays for you, opens your door, tells you that you are pretty, etc. These guys do exist, because after 10 years of looking, I found one. Do not settle for anything less, because marriage is for the rest of your life. The alternative: divorce is the worse than death (I hear).

5. Guys crying in front of you means SQUAT. So many guys have cried in front of me and I’m not married to ANY OF THEM. It just means (I don’t really have this one figured out but I’m guessing) that you are somehow in the sister/mom category and they just feel comfortable with you.

BOTH
1. Learn to look at yourself realistically. Sociology studies have shown time and again that singles tend to gravitate to people who are on the same level when it comes to attractiveness. There are exceptions of course, but in most of these exceptions the girl is the one who is more forgiving. In these cases, the guy who isn’t too attractive has some other wonderful trait (humor, smarts, money). Don’t demean yourself, that’s lame. Just be realistic about yourself.

2. If the guy or girl you like or are dating has some crazy annoying attributes, these are called deal breakers. These things that drive you nuts now, will make you crazy after marriage. RUN.

3. Don’t date unless you are really into someone. It’s a waste of time, energy, money, calories (girls, you know guys like to eat out way more than us, so you know what I mean, don’t waste your calories on the wrong guy).

That’s it for now…I’m sure there will be more later…

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