Dear Matt and Anna,
As you can tell, Attie and I are not too pleased about the new puppy you brought home this last week. We (when I say we, I mainly mean me but I think Attie is upset, too) have tried in numerous ways to get your attention:
1. I have made sure to pee on your new rug every night after you go to bed.
2. I peed on your front door mat (you know, the one that takes 5 hours to dry) IN FRONT of you.
3. I got up on the dining room table when you were doing the dishes and changing the new puppy’s diaper and stole the biggest piece of roast beef I could see (unfortuntately I did not get to enjoy said roast beef).
4. I have sighed repeatedly and very loudly so you would know how upset I am.
5. I have barked at the floor vents in the midde of the night as loudly as I could.
6. Today, I have covered myself in mud and I chewed up your hose holder in the back yard.
I have done all of these things in an attempt to win your attention, but so far to no avail. This is what will happen if you don’t get rid of that new puppy:
1. I will keep peeing on your floor every night.
2. I will find a way to run away. Attie said she might want to stay because she’s not feeling too mad or neglected yet, but I WILL run away. I’m not sure how, but I will.
3. If I can figure out a way to talk and make phone calls, I might try to contact some people who I know will pay attention to me (i.e. my grandparents in Texas, my grandparents in Iowa, or those nice people with our friend Gus Dog). If I can’t figure out how to talk in the next week or so, I might just try to jump in someone’s car when they come from Texas or Iowa.
Anyway, I have really liked living with you for the last year and a half, and I don’t want it to come to this (and it won’t if you get rid of the puppy). But if you keep that squirmy puppy with the weird bark that likes clothes and pees in a diaper, you may not get to keep me for much longer.
Tobias (Toby) Beagle and Attie Girl